Aliya Naseer Farooq
I had an interesting conversation with someone this morning where the gentleman tried to give me a lowdown about traditions, customs and ‘ biradri ‘. How these things must be adhered to in order to survive in society. How they determine most decisions and have a say in crucial family matters. Even though we all have roots in some ancestral rural backgrounds, yet having been raised in a purely urban setting, I find these confines more than a little revolting. Most of the time I see people in a state of fear of the biradari or tribe. On weddings and other occasions, they are consumed by the concern for biradri’s approval and at times, reduced to beg, borrow or steal in order to appease the biradri.
I do not assume to understand the workings about the tribal mindset nor do I in any way, qualify to assess the biradri system in our society. I shall confine myself to a glimpse of life without a tribe or biradri of any sort. That, I feel, I am quite a in sync with to provide an insight into the other side of the picture. A disclaimer to all those belonging to, adhering to or attached to a tribe – this piece is not about you. I commend all societal systems that provide an anchor to the individual in the tricky business of charting their way through life.
I think of myself, essentially, as a human, an individual, a female and in that same order. I have evolved into believing that I am my own tribe and do not need outsiders, as such. I enjoy my own company, reading has taught me how to be alone, as Jonathan Franzen says.
I am happy with others for short spells and as long as they do not infringe upon my boundaries. I truly respect other people’s zones and, in turn, expect the same. People who, in their myopia see me as a doormat and choose to walk all over me, are usually in for a shock.
It is a fact that I am quite a gentle person but that lasts only as long as your decency does. I have lost all patience for the indecent and the ungrateful.
I do give a licence, maybe more than many, but that licence comes with an expiry date. It expires the moment you take me for granted, thinking that you can stab me in the back and I won’t feel it – being too nice – well, another time you are wrong!
I will cut you off like that misshapen piece of cake in the fridge and throw it out. I will then go on to not only have my cake but eat it too. I do not need a tribe that way; I did, at one time in my life. People-pleasing took a front seat for quite a while. In my time, a cultivated upbringing included keeping your opinion to yourself.
That time and age have long gone.
I am my own person now. I have come a long way and the path was not always easy but it was the true one. Avoiding the crowd means you take the less travelled road. Uncharted in many parts and untrodden in others. Trudging ahead, guided by your conscience and the right and wrong as clear as black and white, comes with some advantages; peace and serenity being on top. I do not want a tribe that has atrophied a long time back and its only survival is by pulling people down to its level.
I have done my time down there. I moved away because I did not conform to the dictates of might is right or to say the ‘right’ thing because the ‘true’ thing would ruffle all the angry birds’ feathers. I have risked being abandoned by the flock. Like Lauren Eden, I refuse to be ‘ the collateral damage in someone else’s war against them.
When the mist recedes, I find myself in ever greener pastures sustained by a spring of hope and strong faith in my Creator and in being enough.
